Conversation tips ...Do's and Don'ts when Talking with LGBT folks

Things to do…

It is important to recognize that many of these “Do” principles that follow are universal principles.  They are not unique to this people group but should be a cornerstone of your faith and practice regardless of what people group or person you are conversing with.

• Do recognize that God loves all people and wants them to be a part of His kingdom.  Therefore .. be welcoming  as God is welcoming.  Make sure there is no attitude within you that would drive people away from God because of how you are representing Him.
• Do recognize the worth and value of every individual.
• Do appreciate the many gifts and abilities that they have.
• Do be gracious as God has been gracious to you.
• Do take time to understand people who are different than you
• Do refer to people the way they like to be referred to which may include using the correct pronouns … he … she … they ..
• Do listen a lot.   Listen to people who are gay .. learn about their lives and not just in this one area
• Do ask questions

                      But ask them in a way that shows you are really value their answers.. 
                           Examples...
                                   Wrong: I don’t see how you can claim to be gay and Christian.
                                   Better:  When did you realize you were gay?  How did you feel when you realized this?   

• Do recognize that the issues here are not all simple and easy. 
• Do let God be God.  In other words ..don’t take the role of the Holy Spirit.  Realize that we are all in a unique place in our journey and that ultimately the Holy Spirit is in charge of that journey for each and every of us.

Things and phrases to avoid...
Certain phrases and ways of expressing things can be offensive to others without our even realizing it.  Many have gone before you and used phrases and expressions in less than loving ways.  Since we are to be ambassadors for Christ we want to be aware of this and speak accordingly.  Keep this in mind as you review what follows…

• Avoid the word “homosexual”
  

This word has often been said in a very unloving way by people who were not showing the love of Christ.  It also comes off as clinical and not personal.  It is better to use the phrase ‘lgbt folks’ or ‘folks who are gay’ or ‘people who are gay’ for example.

• Avoid saying things like “I am against homosexuality”…or “I am against homosexual behavior”
  

Along with using the word “homosexual” another  problem with the usage here is understanding just what  this phrase means ..   Does it mean you are against homosexuals?  Or does it mean you are against homosexual behavior?  And … … by the way  ..  don’t use the phrase ‘homosexual behavior’ either.   After all we don’t say that we are ‘against heterosexual behavior’ or against ‘heterosexuality’.  The issue here is confusing a person’s identity or self-description with their actions.   

Let’s explore this further…. The word ‘homosexual’ identifies people who are romantically attracted to the same sex just as the word ‘heterosexual’ refers to people who are romantically attracted to the opposite sex.  It is a people descriptor,  just as the words ‘male’, ‘female’,  ’black’, ‘white’, ‘American’, and ‘European’ are descriptive of people.  We would not say that we love Americans but are against American behavior nor say that we love ______ people but are opposed to ____ people behavior.   So don’t do it here.  

• Avoid saying things like ‘homosexual practice’
  

Once again the word ‘homosexual’ is being used here.  And just what is meant by the word:  ‘practice’?  (Yes, I think I know what you mean but again, by doing this one is saying they are against a descriptor  .. ie. a particular people group.) For example .. we would not say that we are against ‘heterosexual practice’.  So why do it here?  Remember..  the word ‘homosexual’ identifies people who are attracted to the same sex.   These folks get up in the morning .. have their morning cup of coffee .. go to work and so forth.  All of this would be homosexual practice.  So again .. avoid this phrase.  

• Be careful with the ‘sin’ word

Assuming a conservative traditional perspective ... if your reaction to a straight couple living together outside of marriage is any different than your reaction to a gay couple who is living together then biblically there is a problem with how you are viewing others.  In other words … if you don’t get in the face of or deliberately speak  against and call sinful , straight friends or church members who are living together than don’t do it with gay folks.  Scripture does not have levels of sin.  All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).  The moment we start pointing fingers at those who we think have sinned more is the moment that we may find God holding a mirror up to us and that same finger will be pointing back at us.  Be careful here lest we be judged the same way we judge others. 
 

• Avoid the phrase: “Love the sinner hate the sin”

This phrase certainly has theological truth in it.  Yes we should love all people.  And there are scriptures that imply that we should hate sin. The problem is that this phrase seems to rear its (ugly) head ONLY when people are discussing either people who are gay … or their same sex relationships.  Thus it actually serves to accomplish the very opposite of its intent.  It ends up being judgmental toward people and in this case towards a particular people group.  

Additionally, you might ask yourself if you use this phrase in regards to heterosexuals who are living together (outside of marriage)… or people who have committed adultery ... or people who have gone through a divorce.. or the person who has an out of wedlock pregnancy?  I’ve never personally heard it used in these cases.   So while this phrase may be helpful to you in some way in terms of processing things from a conservative standpoint ... it is typically viewed as judgmental and insulting when used this way.  Even if you have the best of intentions here .. it is important to realize that others have gone before you and really soured things in this area. So a phrase that you might innocently use with good intentions is often heard in a bad way. (I might note that even this paragraph might be offensive to those who are affirming .)

• Avoid connecting a person’s moral position with their sincere and whole-hearted faith in Christ.

This is really a call to avoid judging an individual.  Only God knows the sincerity of heart and life of a person towards Him.  There are plenty of folks in the Old Testament whose moral practices would make them outcasts of most churches today.  But God called these same folks ‘righteous’ and ‘holy’.  Likewise, if we look back over our own lifetime we will find that we were not always doing what we now consider to be right.  Yet God loved us through it all.  Praise God for that.

Additionally, I know many folks who are fully affirming and in a same sex relationship who also have a very deep relationship with Jesus Christ .. a relationship that is evidenced by:  their spiritual gifts .. their love for others .. their maturity .. their attitudes toward God and so forth.  Indeed I know of many gay Christian folks in relationship who are more mature and godly then some straight Christian folks I know.  While it is perfectly fine to have a different moral opinion or viewpoint we do err when we judge a person’s relationship with God by that single variance in viewpoint.  Again .. only God knows of the level of commitment and sincerity in an individual’s heart.  When we move from having a moral position to judging someone’s relationship with God we put ourselves in danger of being judged by God as we have judged others.  Scripture is clear on this ..

(Mat 7:1-2 NIV)  "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. {2} For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

This is a biblical truth .. not some modern cultural musing.  Again, having a moral position is certainly ok and appropriate, otherwise we could never express an opinion on anything.   However, passing judgment on those who do not have the same position is clearly wrong.  

• Avoid saying things such as:  Gay folks are ‘broken’ or that they ‘need healing’ .. or they are ‘struggling’.

All these words imply that a person needs fixed.  .  Once again there is a glimmer of theological truth here.  Yes it is true that we are all broken and in need of Christ.    But that is not how this phrase is heard.  There are many out there who believe that being gay can be ‘cured’.    However, orientation change  (less desire for the same sex and more for the opposite sex) is pretty much impossible.  Folks who have feelings toward the same sex didn’t ask for these feelings.  It is not something that they chose.  And it is not something to be fixed. This is a very controversial area that has caused much hardship.  Space does not permit a complete discussion of this here.  Suffice to say that there are many things that we are either born with or that are developed very early on in childhood that are not changeable.  Some examples would be personality types:  whether you are an introvert or an extrovert….  whether you are of super or average intelligence … whether you are intuitive or rely on hard facts .. whether you’re more logical and exacting or empathetic  and so forth..  Other examples would be the different giftings a person might have .. mathematical, technical, artistic, and so forth.  This is, of course,  a very short list of personality types and personal giftings or abilities.  Typically, who we are and what giftings we have are pretty much fixed.  We can develop in these areas and indeed we may make new discoveries about ourselves.  But change is not likely.  Now it is true that some people embody a greater flexibility in some of these personality traits and giftings.  When this happens in terms of sexual attractions it is called bisexuality.  Folks who may have appeared to ‘change orientation’ are probably from this group.  This would be. .. again ... a unique characteristic of an individual … not a blanket proclamation to make for all people. 

• Along with the above .. avoid the whole idea that gay people can change who they are and who they are attracted to.

I know of many gay Christians who have been saved, sanctified, and love Christ wholeheartedly who have not experienced a change of orientation.  I know of many who have spent a significant portion of their lives seeking change.  Many of them now regard that as a waste of time and effort and some of them feel that it hurt or harmed them in deep ways.  This can be puzzling for those of us who are straight.  How, we might ask, would attempts to change orientation bring hurt or harm?  The answer is that it has to do with self acceptance.  Many of these folks were told that they ‘lacked faith’ or they ‘lacked willpower’ or they ‘lacked honesty with God’ or they ‘lacked commitment to the process’ when their efforts to change were unsuccessful.  Additionally there can be considerable shame cast on those who are unable to change their feelings in this area.  Being made ashamed of your feelings or of yourself or being told your faith is not genuine because you are unable to accomplish this change can be very destructive to an individual’s personhood .  

One of the big problems I see with people today (gay or straight) is an unhealthy view of self.  This can be due to how they were raised ... the effect of an abusive relationship … or a combination of factors.  When this occurs the person does not experience the full abundant life that God intended. ..instead  they are weighed down by their own internalized shame and self doubts.  Often intensive counseling and/or the continual presence of good and loving friends is needed for a person to move forward from this.  The same thing can happen when we insist that a person who is gay is broken and needs fixed. They can become weighed down by the shame and the bad theology that we impose on them.  There are avenues a person can pursue to have congruence between how they identify, what they do,  and their religious convictions.  But this is quite different from orientation change.  A life of submission to Christ does not necessarily mean a change of feelings and desires.  There are some desires we will always have.  

Scripture says nothing at all about orientation (just as it is silent in many other areas).  The only thing scripture does address is the sexual activity.  So we need to be careful not to be absolute about something that scripture is not absolute about.

• Avoid linguistic legalistic arguments about how a person should describe themselves.

There are several voices out there that dogmatically proclaim that how a person describes themselves is somehow relevant to and connected to their identity in Christ.  This typically centers around the gay or lesbian label.  A claim is typically made that if someone identifies as a gay Christian they are allegedly downplaying their Christ-centered identity.  Mere words or a legalistic insistence on certain words do not tell us how another individual is using those words ... nor to they tell us the condition of their heart.  Like the example Jesus gave ...someone could say ... I will obey Christ ... but then choose to not obey Him at all ... conversely someone could say I will not obey Christ but then turn and obey Christ.  Likewise someone could claim that they have given their heart to Christ .. when in actuality they haven't and someone else might not even make that claim but their life indicates their devotion to Christ.  Different people identify or describe themselves differently ... gay, straight, lesbian, questioning, same sex attracted and so forth.  To be clear ... I am not against how a person chooses to describe themselves or the reasons they might use.  The problem occurs when they or we insist on certain words or descriptions as paramount to their identity in Christ  or even whether they will be accepted in heaven or not.  Salvation is by faith alone, by grace alone, by Christ alone.  It does not rely on the extra things that some want to add to this.  See this page for more on this.  Or for a unique perspective from an entirely different area see this page on Autism and the debate people have their on how to identify.


Conclusion:
If you follow the above guidelines it will help you to avoid some of the pitfalls that many of us straight folks fall into.  As with anyone we might be talking to .. we should work to establish a good relationship and understanding.  From that point of respect... let the Holy Spirit lead you to when and/or if you should challenge or question a particular moral position or belief.

For further communication tips these links may be helpful...
http://www.sanctuaryforall.org/how-to-love-our-lgbt-neighbors-with-words
http://www.glaad.org/sites/default/files/allys-guide-to-terminology_1.pdf

Denominational Disclaimer  
The thoughts, ideologies, interpretations, and beliefs expressed on this website are my own.  

I believe that what I have written on this website is within the boundaries of  the theology and beliefs of my denomination.  However, homosexuality is a very complex topic with varied viewpoints.  Since this is the case, it should be understood that the views expressed by myself and other Christians on this website and in our blog and / or forums (if we have them) may not necessarily reflect the official position of my / their respective denominations.  Additionally, when / if I reference various web resources it should not be assumed to be an endorsement of the entirety of that resource.